Grief & Gratitude

Those who navigate life best are those who learn to live with gratitude and with grief.

Because, here’s the deal: life is often full of hurt and pain and struggle. As Westley says in The Princess Bride, Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. Sometimes, such merchants mean well; they might even be people of faith – confident that the act of belief covers over our pain; fixes all our hurt; erases the struggle. But they miss the hard reality of life, those who peddle this message – whether they do so from a perspective of religion, or science or pharmacology or self-help. Money, medication, even meditation won’t neutralize the difficulties of this life.

That’s where grief comes in. Grief faces the distance between life as it should to be, and life as it really is. Grief is honesty; it’s direct. The blade of grief is sometimes blunt, sometimes sharp – but it always cuts. Grief doesn’t deny reality, or turn away from it – but faces it, squarely.

Grief is about loss – the loss of what was, or what we thought would be. Of course, the most obvious example is the death of those we love. Those are losses of the largest order; but there are others, too. The loss of a career or a calling. The loss of a relationship. The loss of one season of a child’s life, which quickly gives way to another season. The loss of an expected future. The loss of independence. The loss of a past that’s not coming back. The loss of notions that we once held dear – about ourselves, our church, our country, our own understanding.

Loss is everywhere, and it’s not a matter of if we will face it – but how. You should refuse to believe anyone who offers a shortcut to facing it – whether they speak out of a scientific, religious, or political voice. Grief has no shortcuts. Pious phrases and platitudes rarely soothe. What does help, though, is an honest, open journey through its depths – with faith and friends at our side.

Gerald Sittser, in his wonderful book about grief, A Grace Disguised, tells about the aftermath of the evening when a car accident took the lives of his wife, his mother, and one of his daughters. Not long after that tragic event, Sittser had something he calls a “waking dream.” In it, the sun is setting and he is frantically running west to catch up to it and remain in its warmth. He can’t, of course. Exhausted, he looks over his shoulder to see the darkness closing in on him from the east. Terrified, he collapses to the ground – feeling as if he will live in darkness forever.

He talks with his sister about this dream, and she tells him: The way to reach the light is not to run to the west, chasing after the setting sun. Instead, it’s to plunge through the darkness, and head east – walking until one reaches the sunrise.

The way to face grief isn’t to deny it, but it’s also not to run after what is disappearing into the horizon. The way to face grief is to plod through it, step by step, walking toward the light of the rising sun – knowing that, for most of us, that journey isn’t a straight, unbroken line.

That’s grief, and though every life has more than its fair share, there is another side to the coin – one that feels like a different currency altogether. And that’s gratitude. Grief & Gratitude don’t seem to go together; in a way, that is certainly true. But what is also true is the fact that we must have both in our lives. Where grief faces up to loss, gratitude names what often is overlooked – for gratitude starts from the place of presence, not absence. Without losing sight of what is not, it starts from the place of what is. Gratitude starts by seeing life as a gift, taking nothing for granted: not this breath, not this day, not these people, not this sip, not this bite, not this moment. Where grief recognizes the hurt and brokenness all around us, gratitude recognizes that there is beauty and meaning around us, too.

The truth is: we simply cannot live authentic, meaningful, honest lives without both Grief & Gratitude. Those who choose the former, and deny the latter, become bitter, hardened, hopeless. Those who chose the latter, and avoid the former, are in danger of becoming polyannaish, hollow, even legalistic.

But while both are necessary, it also matters where you start. If you begin from a place of grief, it’s hard to find your way to true gratitude. If you begin by seeing what’s wrong, it’s hard to find your way to the true center of what is right. So, while an authentic life will have both grief and gratitude, the authentically hopeful life will start with gratitude – a gratitude that believes that even in the midst of the deepest grief, there is meaning. Grief may be our current reality, but it is not our ultimate destiny. In fact, the reason we can grieve the moments of dusk and darkness, is precisely because there is a sun.

This is demonstrated by Romans 8.28. We often cite this beloved verse with confidence that God is working good through all things – as we should. But this confidence is real and true because it comes in the midst of the struggles of life. Our assurance is not that God will clear away all the difficult overgrowth on our path; He doesn’t take away the challenging, uphill climbs. God does not promise that all of life’s journey will be good. But He does promise to be with us every step of that journey – using each one for our good and our growth.

And we find this to be truest when we acknowledge our grief and our gratitude. Romans 8.28 – all of Romans 8, for that matter – is a honest look at our brokenness, and the brokenness of all creation. One of the key words in Romans 8 is groaning – and it’s everywhere. For we know that all of creation has been groaning until now, Paul says in verse 22. But it’s not simply that creation is groaning – it’s that creation is groaning with or groaning together. This is no isolated, occasional longing to be remade and restored; rather, all throughout creation, voices are crying out, together. In verse 23, that groaning reaches us – the people who long for redemption and wholeness. We, too, are groaning for the day when our bodies will be made new.

Creation groans, we groan, yes – but we are also joined by the Spirit of God. In verse 26, Paul recognizes that we don’t know how we really ought to pray. In our deepest moments of pain and uncertainty, we find that the Spirit himself is interceding on our behalf with wordless groanings – groans that God hears, receives, and interprets.

This is the essential background to Romans 8.28. In God’s creation, in all that God has made – including us – there is a desperate longing that we can’t completely put into words. But God hears. God knows. And God responds. That’s the power of Romans 8.28 – and the remaining verses in that chapter. Even through tribulation or anguish or danger or sword, God is with us. Even when we aren’t sure what is happening, or what is to come – even in the midst of our deepest grief, Death itself – we will not be separated from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

In the midst of Paul’s majestic ending to Romans 8, he inserts a strange Old Testament reference, found in verse 36: On your behalf, we are given over to death all day; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. I’ve never really known what to do with this verse. In fact, many times as I’ve read Romans 8 alongside hospital bedsides or funeral home caskets, I’ve skipped over this verse. It just didn’t seem to fit.

But recently I read the 2 OT passages that Paul is citing: Zechariah 11 & Psalm 44. The Zechariah passage describes the failure of God’s people – and God letting them face the reality of their sin. God’s people refuse to be shepherded, so a shepherd is predicted who won’t care for the lost, or seek the young, or heal the injured, or feed the healthy. It’s a picture of desolation, destruction – of grief and groaning.

Psalm 44, meanwhile, is a cry for God to vindicate the righteous. The writer says, We know that it’s not our sword that brings us victory; it’s You, of God. So where are You? We’re devoured like sheep; scattered to the nations. The psalmist goes on, making his case: We haven’t forgotten You, God – for Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. And then Psalm 44 closes with these words: “Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love” (NIV).

Paul takes both passages – both the desperation of our sin and the desperation of our struggle – and incorporates them into Romans 8, and the groaning for redemption, vindication and hope. And Paul makes clear: Jesus is our answer. Jesus is our hope. Jesus is the shepherd we need. He is the one who cares for the lost, seeks the young, heals the injured, and feeds the healthy. He is the one who laid down his life for our sake – and then rose up to help us. His love is truly an unfailing love.

And so, whatever groanings we have, whatever brokenness we feel, whatever is pressing against us – no matter how strong it is – it can not win. For Jesus has overcome; and through him, Paul says, we are more than overcomers – we are gloriously victorious. For no matter what we groan in or through – our groanings are answered – and one day will be fully answered.

And so, faithful people DO groan. Along with all of creation – and with the Spirit within us – we groan. But we do so, grateful that our groanings have an answer. For as we face our grief – and the grief of all creation – we do so knowing that we have a redemptive God working in ways we can’t fully see and certainly don’t completely comprehend. We can grieve for what is not, precisely because we are grateful for what already is – and for what one day fully, gloriously, will be.

Creation Groaning

This morning, I was reading in Romans 8 – words so fitting for the moment we find ourselves in. Romans 8 begins by telling us that in Christ we are set free from the law of sin and death. Sin and death are still very real; sadly, this is all too obvious. But for the follower of Jesus, sin and death are not our ultimate destiny.

But there’s more, for what is true for us as creatures, is also true for all of creation. In verses 19 & following, Paul talks about creation eagerly and expectantly awaiting our redemption. But it’s not just ours; creation is desperate for its freedom, too. In verse 21, Paul makes clear that our freedom is creation’s freedom; that God’s redemptive purposes are not individualistic; they cover all that He has made.

I find these words immensely hopeful, in a time that feels hopeless to so many. Even as many groan for more – for things to be what they are meant to be – Paul says that creation cries out, too. It was groaning in his day, and the groaning continues, 2000 years later – for healing, for wholeness, for hope.

The promise of scripture – the promise of God – is that our groanings have an answer. That answer is found in the redemptive work of Jesus – a work that restores lives, families, communities, and reaches into every corner of creation. It’s a work we’re called to be a part of now. As believers, we must work for the new day we believe is coming – even as we, along with all of creation, lament all the ways it is not yet a reality.

For this is what Hope looks like: holding fast to what will come, while working to live that reality now. Knowing what God will do, Hope does the hard work of shining the light of God’s redemption now – even as we long for it to come, completely and forever.

And the promise we have, is that one day, it will. Even so, Lord Jesus, come!

Good Stuff I’ve Heard

I try to listen to every message John Ortberg preaches. This message on hope is worth a listen. It’s 27 minutes of encouragement, challenge, and … well, hope.

Then there’s this podcast interview with Bill Thrall, centered around a great question to ask someone you love: How am I affecting you?

I placed a request for the book You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy. (I think I’m #11 in line – and libraries are closed, so it may be awhile before I get a chance to read it.) My interest in reading her book has only increased, though, after hearing her share insights like this:

…In a conversation, you’re always in control if you’re the one who’s talking, or you feel like you are. And it is an element of giving up control when you decide you are gonna listen to somebody. Because you don’t know what you’re gonna hear. You don’t know where it’s gonna go but, you know, that’s the grand adventure. And also, you know, that’s why we’re here. To connect with one another. And so you know that’s, that’s the difference, is having that courage and also having that curiosity.

We love to be in control. I love to be in control. How often do I bring that approach to a conversation? And how often is my attempt to control the conversation with someone really just an attempt to control them? The effort to move beyond control to connection involves humility – or, in Murphy’s words, courage and curiosity.

One more quote from Murphy: “You don’t have to act like you’re paying attention if you actually are.” Ouch. How many times do I need to remember that quote?

Speaking of listening, Storycorps is an effort to get people to tell their stories – building connections through listening and sharing. Separated from someone you love, and looking for a way to connect? Why not interview them, and share it with others through Storycorps?

One more podcast I’ve recently enjoyed: an author new to me, Diana Glyer. I was drawn to the conversation because of her work on The Inklings – the gathering of C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, and others. Her conversation focuses on how to have people around you to encourage your efforts on writing – but she reminded me that I need people around me, no matter what endeavor in life I’m pursuing. I expect the same is true for you. As for me, I need some folks who may simply just pray for me. Others might hold me accountable. Still others may work well as conversation partners for me and my wife. I can think of people who fit the bill in all three areas. I hope you can too.

Finally, this wonderful mash-up of dozens of British churches singing apart, but as one – calling on God’s blessing over their land. May that be true for ours, as well!