The 36 Questions of Love (and other interesting things about love)

Psychologist Arthur Aron has come up with 36 questions that will help any two people get closer to each other. If two people will sit down and go over these questions (whether they be married, or dating, or friends, or even siblings), Aron says that the conversation and openness that develops around these questions will draw those two people deeper into their relationship.

Some of the questions skim the surface (“When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”); some go deeper (“For what in your life do you feel most grateful?); some are thoughtful (“What do you value most in a friendship?”); and some are personal (“What is your most terrible memory?”). But all of them, we’re told, help form a bond with the person you share these with. Interested? Check out the questions here, or listen to a story about them here.

Aron’s work was just one fascinating conversation around love, relationships, and friendship that I’ve been chewing on recently, as I’ve begun a three-week series on this topic. Here’s some other material on the web that has gotten my attention (some Christian, some secular, all insightful).

On Sunday, I mentioned that, when given a choice, millennials preferred the “Beta” model of marriage: two-year trial period, followed by the opportunity to formalize or dissolve the partnership. Their second choice? The “Real Estate” model. Huh? Read the article; it’ll explain it. (On the encouraging side: nearly 1/3 of millennials still believe in the “til-death-do-us-part” idea.)

Did you know that married folks who regular participate in church life are 46% less likely to get divorced than the average, while those who attend church only “sometimes,” have a 10% higher rate of divorce? That, and other stats about divorce (including the interesting correlation between the cost of the wedding and the likelihood of divorce) can be found here.

How about a blog post with 7 ways to land a Mennonite husband? Sound irrelevant? Sound anything-but-funny? Read it; I guarantee you will laugh, or I’ll refund your cost to read this blog post. And I also guarantee that if you’re married to a man, or are dating a man, or simply know a man, you’ll find plenty of places where you’re nodding your head in agreement — and laughing at the same time. And if you are a man, read it and see how, even though you had no idea, you aren’t that far from being a Mennonite man.

And then finally, on a more serious note: what is love? This blog does a pretty good job of listing 23 things that love is — and does.

Happy reading, and thinking, and laughing — and loving.


Facebook, vs. Face-to-Face

Late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien once predicted that youtube, twitter, and facebook would merge. The result, he said, would be a new social media outlet called youtwitface.

When I was a kid, social media was playing Pac-man with my friend on his cutting-edge Atari video game console. And there was no youtube, there was just one tube — and it didn’t have very many channels. And facetime was, well, talking with someone face-to-face.

In a world that now comes at us through our screens, how do we make sure that we don’t let life in the virtual world overtake life in the real world? How do we make use of social media, while guarding against it using us?

I’m glad you asked. Here are some thoughts:

Remember that life isn’t filtered. Life has good days, bad days, and a whole lot of pretty average days. The problem is, you’d never know that from Instagram. In Social Media Land, everyone is tanned, smiling, and with all their “besties.” Or, on the other extreme, our social media posts are an opportunity for us to air all our dirty laundry. In either case, I think the goal is the same: Look at me, and give me worth. Tell me I matter.

Ok, I will. You matter. To God. To others. The unfiltered — the average, everyday, boring you — you matter. God said that way before social media. And your real friends and family will say the same thing — no matter how uneventful your real life is.

Which leads me to the next thing. You don’t need “likes” on Instagram or Facebook to be liked. Because we are desperate for people to like us, we then spend too much time posting things that are designed to get them to like us. But your self-worth is not determined by reaching the magical number of 100 likes. God has already given you His thumbs-up. And so do the people who really care about you.

Which leads me to one more thought, this one borrowed from a friend, who says: We need to live our lives, not thumb-to-thumb, but face-to-face. Social media is fine, as long as we don’t let it become what it cannot be. And it cannot be a substitution for real relationships. Facebook can keep you connected, but face-to-face is how real relationships are developed, and grow. And, it’s in the personal where relationships happen; it’s in the humdrum, day-to-day, less-than-exciting daily-ness of life where people grow to love and care for you, and you for them.

So, enjoy social media. Stay connected, but don’t be dramatic or fake. And don’t find your self-worth online. And know when to put your phone down, and really be present with the real people with you — at the table, in the car, in the pew, and in life.